Need jokes

Eigen ;D I could use some jokes to put in my game. You can write them right here. ;D They don't need to be long but funny. ;D
Berserk a man & his pet monkey walked into a bar. the monkey was jumping around like crazy, eating everything in sight.

The monkey ate a whole bowl of peanuts, & the bar owner was very angry, then he ate a cue ball from a near by pool table, the bar owner was disqusted and the man and the monkey left.

A week later, the same monkey & man returned, this time the monkey got a strawberry - shoved it up his own ass, and then ate it. Disgusted, the bar owner asked "Why did he do that?" the monkeys owner replied "Since he swallowed that cue ball, now he measures everything first!"

I found it funny, i hope you do. And what is this game your making?? Be sure to post a message to tell us where to download it from when you finish it!
Kon-Tiki John went to the Wibra and saw some cute red shoes there. They cost 10 cents. He takes out his wallet and start counting. 6...7...8...9. He requires one more cent. He goes home and asks his mother:
"Mom, do you have a cent for me?"
"If you help me peel these potatoes."
John peels the potatoes and receives the cent. He goes back to the Wibra and searches for the shoes, but what does he see? The price went up with one cent. John goes back home and asks his father:
"Dad, do you have a cent for me?"
"If you get a newspaper for me."
John gets a newspaper, gives it to his father and gets another cent. He goes back to the Wibra and looks at the shoes. The price went up with one cent again. John goes back home and asks his brother:
"Yo, bro! Can you spare my a cent?"
"Play with me with my cars first."
John plays with the cars for an hour and gets his cent. He goes back to the Wibra, only to find out he needs another cent. He goes back home and asks his sister:
"Hey, sis, do you have a cent for me?"
"Fix that doll first."
John fixes the doll and receives a cent. He goes back to the Wibra and sees that he can buy the shoes now. He buys them and hurries home to his mother, wanting to brag about his new shiny red shoes. He comes home and what does he see? His mother's dead, with the potatoes lying under her like a bed. John's a bit confused, but goes to his father to brag about his pretty red shoes. His father lies dead, the newspaper stuffed in his throat. John starts to worry, but walks towards his brother, so he can brag to him about his red shoes. His brother lies dead, the cars all over him. John's starting to find this quite strange, but hurries off to his sister, the only person he can still brag to. Arriving at his sister's room, he only finds her dead with the doll in her arms. Then a penguin walks in and do you know what he says?

Nothing, because penguins can't speak.
Pikachu14 LOL! Maar ik geloof niet dat iedereen op dit board weet wat de Wibra is!
Kon-Tiki Ok, the Wibra's a shop where you can buy low-quality clothes for a low price. If you can find something in the mess, that is. They don't have racks, just boxes where they throw their wares in and you have to search through them.

Pikachu14 Wibra = Wij Idioten Bieden Rotzooi Aan
Omer Mor Please stick to english...
Gam Ani Yachol Lichtov Beivrit Ve-af Echad Lo Yavin Klum... :-)
It's not nice - is it?
mr-t has good jokes 8)
CapTAmerik@ Pika = also Dutch / Belgium?
Damn, it's crowded with Lowlanders...
Kon-Tiki Let's see:

Pika wa Baka


There's a total of 7 of the Lowlands here. That's not so much.

Omer Mor Why are they called lawlands? no mountains there?
Omer Mor wrote:

Why are they called lawlands? no mountains there?

Actually, it's the first time I hear about this term too (unless they are referring to that music-festival, which they don't)... But the fact is that there are no mountains there, also not many hills and stuff (well, Belgium has some)... However, I think the main reason that they're called 'the lowlands' has to do with the fact that large parts of the country are under sea-level (atleast that's the case in the Netherlands, don't know about Belgium)...

Oh, and BTW: Sorry Eigen for my share of messing up your thread... I don't have jokes at the moment... Do you use them in your game, just like Sierra did in Larry?
Andrew_Baker So, a skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

Kon-Tiki wrote:

Let's see:

Pika wa Baka


There's a total of 6 of the Lowlands here. That's not so much.


Hey I'm from Belgium too !

Kon-Tiki Sorry Sith. Just used the ways to recognize it (profile, saying something Dutch, saying you're from Belgium/Holland.) I'll put you in the 'most wanted' list too.

sith Hehe... thanks :D
Andrew_Baker wrote:

So, a skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

:D That brought a smile to my face :D

CapTAmerik@ Talking about dry humour...

It's heavy and when it falls from a tree, your refridgerator will be broke?

The refridgerator
Kon-Tiki Woehahahahar! That's a good one. Here's another, bit more morbid one.

The mother of John comes home from work. Just when she enters the house, John and his little sister come running towards her:
"Mama, mama! Dad has hung (*) himself in the basement!"
The mother turns pale and rushes towards the basement, but she can't see anything there. The two kids:
"Fooled you! He hangs in the attic!"


(*)If this's a spelling error, it's because they're kids, NOT because I can't remember what it should be ;D
Eigen Thank's everybody for these jokes. I really appreciatedit. ;D ;D
CapTAmerik@ Hey Kon-Tiki,
That's a good one. Especially the little note under the joke: if it's a spelling error, it's not because of me. Yeah right, ha ha. Anyway, to kill of this topic, let's all do one last round of jokes and get back to programming...



It's grey and when it hits you in the eye you're dead meat....


An airplane
Kon-Tiki Hehehe, those kind of jokes kill me ;D
Here's my last one: the infamous joke of probably. If I want to use the heavy gear, I take out this joke (or John with the red shoes, but you should have the time for that ;) )

The teacher has just explained the meaning of the word 'probably' and to see if the kids understand it, he asks for some examples.
(George) "OO OO, master, master!"
(Teacher) "Yes, George?"
(George) "Today it's friday and tomorrow it'll probably be saturday."
(Teacher) "Good George."
(Allen) "OO OO, master, master!"
(Teacher) "Yes, Allen?"
(Allen) "Now it's raining, but later, the sun'll probably shine."
(Teacher) "Good Allen."
Then there comes a shy little finger up from one of the last rows. The teacher, glad somebody from there is willing to answer:
(Teacher) "Yes, John?"
(John) "Master, you know I have a sister, don't you?"
(Teacher) "Yes John, but what has that to do with the word 'Probably'?"
You know she take pianolessons, don't you?"
(Teacher) "Yes John, but there's still no connection to the word 'Probably'."
Well, every saturday, the pianoteacher comes to our house and he and my sister go into the pianoroom, but I am not stupid. No siree! I look through the keyhole. Then my sister takes off her skirt and her panties and the pianoteacher takes off his pants and his underpants and they'll probably go poo in the piano."

Okok, I know. It sounds better when I tell it live, but hey, all jokes do.

Omer Mor Which one is heavier or an elephant? ;D
One man wakes up one morning, brushes his teeth, peeks through the window and to his astonishment he sees a gorilla on a nearby tree.
He then goes to the yellow pages, look for a gorilla exterminator, and call the first one he found.
After half an hour comes the gorilla exterminator, with a gun in one hand and a leash tied to a fearsome pitbull on the other.
"Good morning", he sais, "my name is John, and I'm here to exterminate your gorilla."
"Here's what we gonna do: you'll take this shotgun, and I'm gonna climb up that tree, wrestle the gorilla and knock him off the tree. Then this specially trained pitbull will jump on the gorilla, and grab his balls , until I come down and lock him up."
"But what do you want me to do with the shotgun?" asked the man.
"It's good you asked. Your role here is very important. If something goes wrong, and I fall off the tree - you must do me a favor and please please shoot the pitbull!"

I hope my translation is good enough - I tell this joke better in hebrew... :) How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

They're both fucking close to water! ;D
rwfromxenon (cough*Montypythonripoff*cough)

ehcb A man is severly drunk on Strawberry spirits :P.

He's staggering down the road with a bottle of the stuff in each pocket, he clinks when he walks, after a while he falls over and hears feels some glass cut into him, he feels himself and finds some sunstance on himself, he looks at his hands and se the read stuff and says:

"Thank god it's only blood"
crazyjimmy this doesn't work as a spoken joke but as an acted out joke which you could animate in an SCI game.

man goes in for physical
doctor puts hands under his ****s and says "turn your head and cough"
man turns head, pulls out a bong, takes a really big long toke, then coughs out his hit

a guy named Chris told me that joke