Dylan mumbled to himself as he left the Vantas hive for a quick breather. Spending that much time with his troll girlfriend took a lot of energy. More than he had expected, at least. But she was napping now, so he could go away for a bit. A chance he was surprised to find himself enjoying.
As soon as the moment had reached a truly enjoyable atmosphere, Susanna snuck up from behind Dylan and promptly fwapped him across the back of the head with a loud shout of, "Hey fuckass!"
"Oh what the hell", Dylan said as he turned around. "Isn't that what your mom calls mister V?"
She grumbled and huffed, "Its also what I call YOU and that BITCH Shula."
'Hey, only I get to call her that, okay?"
"Call her whatever, you primitive OAF. I just find it DISGUSTING what the two of you DO." She made a gagging expression.
"Actually, she hasn't done that just yet. I think she's being a little... what's the word, apprehensive about it?"
Dylan winked behind his shades. With his girlfriend being soundly nocturnal, he was going around wearing the things in the middle of the night, and he just didn't care.
"I think a better word for it is fucking DEPRAVED. You two are going to feel really AWKWARD and GROSS about this someday, mark my words." Susanna scoffed.
Dylan paused to ponder for a moment, cupping his chin for effect. "From what I heard from my mom, it wasn't exactly the latter."
"You are such a DEPRAVED individual you know that Dylan? You make my skin crawl and my organs WRITHE. I swear to gog I have no idea why a fuckass like you even exists."
"Well, y'know... when a stork and a cabbage love eachother very much, they get together and have sex..."
"And then they make a horrible ABOMINATION like you." Susanna grumbled and crossed her arms, "So what were you two doing then?"
"If I told you, you'd need to have dinner all over again."
"Why must you and her be involved in that way? Don't you two have BETTER taste than that?"
"Oh, a two-in-one insult. I'm so impressed I'm not feeling much like answering."
"Oh please. Its becuase your FEEBLE mind can't hold a candle to the GENIUS that is me. You and Shula BOTH need to get schoolfed on this shit."
"Genius, hmmm? Then tell me, dear sister, what is the scientific name for the road runner and how far can it jump?"
Dylan knew the question had nothing to do with genius intellect, but he also knew Susanna didn't very well take to being called "sister".
"If we are being non-specific, Geococcyx californianus, and as for how far it could jump?" She pondered a moment, a smug smile on her face along with a cold glare, "I would take a guess at 12 feet."
"Allow me to grovel at your ashen feet in reverence, sister."
Dylan made no effort to actually grovel, of course.
"DAMN straight FUCKASS." She smiled from ear to ear.
"Hey fuckass, stop harassing my boyfriend would ya?" Shula called out from the hive's doorway. She had apparently woken up from the commotion.
"Oh, if isn't FUCKASS number 2. How is the STD? Hmmm?" She teased like the bitch she was.
"What STD?" both coolkids-in-training said in unison. "He/she is my first!"
"Shu, cut that out", Dylan quickly complained. "It's unsettling."
"Don't you two feel CREEPY enough doing those sorts of things whilst KNOWING I am both of your half-sibling?" She asked, honestly confused as to why they did not.
"What sort of things, Sue?"
"And hey, Shu and I aren't blood-related. You're just an unlucky common factor."
"And a huge bitch to boot!"
Susanna smiled at what she was called, "I think being a BITCH is better than being.." she pointed at Dylan, "..A POSER like you or a..." She turned her attention to Shula, "..A FREAK of nature like you." She chuckled blissfully.
"Did she just call you a lusus?"
"Did she just call a Strider a poser?"
The two fuckwits exchanged a long glance, then fell into laughter.
Susanna steemed and smacked both of them across the face. "NO laughing at me! You two FUCKASSES need to get with the program and realize you'll NEVER be as good as me in ANYTHING."
Shula considered all that for a moment.
"Hey, Dyllweed? What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"African or European?"
"European, I guess."
"Twenty-four miles an hour, I think."
Susanna rolled her eyes, "Oh please FUCKASS, its only 19 miles an hour." She held a smug grin.
"Where'd you get that from, sis?"
"Better question, sssisss, you never answered the one I asked earlier. What sort of things?"
Susanna was getting rather peeved, "I ASSUME the two of you INDULGE in some of the most amazingly DISGUSTING things imaginable that make me want to VOMIT upon even thinking about it."
"Dyllweed, what were we just doing before I dozed off?"
"Are you sure I should say that? Our little sister seems a little... sensitive-like."
"I am not so much SENSITIVE as I am DISGUSTED to think my siblings would do anything beyond being friends." She glared at the two of them, flipping them off, "Especially when they know their parents had SIMILAR feelings which resulted in ME. Even if I am perfect~"
Dylan leaned over to Shula and whispered in her ear while Susanna ranted. "So... tell her what we did or show her?"
"Maybe we should keep the pants on if we do that", Shula whispered back.
"Show her, then?"
Shula nodded. She looked at Susanna as she finished her rant, and true to form she closed her eyes at the last sentence. Susanna opened her eyes and returned attention to the two dolts she was berating. Right there in front of her, said dolts were hugging eachother somewhat tightly. Susanna went red in the face, she was not pleased to be seeing this. She gritted her teeth and shouted.
"Oh my god you perverts can't even keep it in your PANTS can you?!"
Ironically (to Dylan's personal delight, too) they were doing exactly that -- keeping everything in their pants. After a moment, Shula slowly broke off the hug.
"Keep what in our where now?"
Susanna covered her eyes, flustered and upset. "Oh my gog just let me leave so you can BUMP UGLIES like the SICK LITTLE FUCKS you are!" She dashed off, probably to go tell Karkat or Jade. Ofcourse, considering those were Shula's dad and Dylan's mom, it was a doomed mission from the start.
"Did she just seriously suggest we go that far in public?" Dylan asked, gently holding Shula by the sides.
"Our sister is a true basket case."
A few moments later Susanna returned, her head slumped and hands in pockets. A smug smile on her hidden face as alongside her strolled Karkat Vantas, with a less than pleased look, which wasn't really anything special.
"Hi dad", the two dipshits said as one.
"I thought I told you to stop that, Shu."
"Well, don't call him 'dad' then, dipshit! He's not yours."
"SO WHAT IS THIS I HEAR OF PUBLIC SALIVA SWAPPING?" Karkat raised an eyebrow.
"Filthy lies, dad", Shula stated firmly. "Our mouths didn't even get near eachother."
"THATS NOT WHAT SUSANNA SAID." He stated.
"Well okay, maybe not ENTIRELY true, but they were being all OVER each other."
"We were just lovingly hugging eachother, dad", Dylan said. He even lowered his shades to show the brutal honesty in his eyes.
"Stop calling him 'dad', dunkass!" Shula repeated.
Susanna smacked Dylan across the face, "STOP CREEPING ME right the FUCK OUT!"
"If you didn't continously accuse us of doing things that would make Marquis de Sade blush, we wouldn't have had to show you, sssissster dear~", Shula retorted as Dylan rubbed his cheek. It was really starting to smart now.
"OKAY. SO EITHER SUSANNA IS LYING AGAIN OR SHULA AND DYLAN HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO. I WONDER WHICH TO BELIEVE." He rolled his eyes and glared at Susanna.
She gulped nervously and cowered slightly.
"Don't be too hard on her, dad. She's just overly sensitive", Shula said in half-baked mockery.
"And a bitch too", Dylan added. "Slaps like one, at least."
"Want me to slap you again Dylan? I could give another RED CHEEK to match your ugly ass other one."
"Slap me now and I'll see it coming, sis. Fuck your shit right up."
Karkat stepped between Dylan and Susanna, he kept them from coming in contact. "LOOK BOTH OF YOU NEED TO SHUT UP. SUSANNA, GO TO YOUR ROOM. I WILL DEAL WITH YOU LATER."
Susanna groaned, and stomped off to her room.
Karkat then turned to Dylan, "STRIDER BOY, DO NOT PUSH HER INTO THIS WHEN YOU KNOW HOW IRRITABLE SHE IS ABOUT THIS. DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL YELL AT YOU MORE THAN I AM NOW."
Dylan remained stoic in the verbal onslaught. Shula, on the other hand, stuck a finger in her ear and messed around inside a bit. Dylan felt like saying how, after three slaps, he was entitled to proportionate retribution, but knew better.
"NOW YOU TWO, BEHAVE. I HAVE TO GO YELL AT YOUR HALF-SISTER." He headed off to speak with her.
"Dad?" Shula called out behind him, "Could you maybe yell a bit less loudly? It kinda ruins the mood~"
"IGNORING THAT IGNORING THAT IGNORING THAT." He muttered to himself.
"You're a bitch, y'know that?"
"Hmmhmm. Wanna go back up?"
"...Sure. What'll we do tonight, Brain?"
"Same thing we do every night, Pinky."
"I'll get the soap."
----
"ALLRIGHT SUSANNA, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH THOSE TWO ANYWAY?"
"They are both my relative, and they...bleghk! Get all FUCKING over each other. It CREEPS me out! Its so damn GROSS."
"YOU KNOW GIRL... BACK ON ALTERNIA, WE DIDN'T HAVE FAMILIAL BONDS, SO THE WHOLE CONCEPT IS STILL A LITTLE ALIEN TO ME, EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. BUT I'M FULLY AWARE OF THE SITUATION HERE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCKING PROBLEM HERE IS?"
"No. What?" She asked nervously, slightly scared.
"IT'S TRUE THAT THEY ARE BOTH YOUR RELATIVE. YOU'RE A HALF-SISTER TO BOTH OF THEM. BUT THEY ARE NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER AT ALL. DO YOU FOLLOW THAT?"
"I know that but I mean, its like WATCHING you and MOM go at it!" She sighed, "I just can't exactly get OVER something like THAT."
"...HARLEY AND I 'WENT AT IT' JUST ONCE, SUSANNA. YOU'RE THE DIRECT RESULT OF THAT. OR IS IT THAT ONE'S A HUMAN AND THE OTHER'S A TROLL? THAT'S ANOTHER FUCKING THING YOUR MOM AND I HAVE IN COMMON WITH THOSE TWO IDIOTS."
"I don't know WHICH, but either way it just GROSSES me OUT. I can't watch two people I consider my siblings to be that gawky. Those two are dumb enough as it is." She mumbled with tears slightly streaming down her cheeks.
"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN LOOK AT THEM WHEN THEY'RE DOING THAT KIND OF STUFF ANYWAY?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Susanna shouted, getting more upset.
Karkat sighed. "I THINK YOU'RE JUST TAKING THEIR RELATIONSHIP TOO PERSONALLY. AND CONSIDERING YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING PART OF SAID RELATIONSHIP, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY REASON TO DO THAT."
Karkat paused for a bit, holding his hand up. "YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH THEM, Y'KNOW?"
Susanna looked a bit surprised, she still seemed slightly sad. A smile crept on her face however, "Do you have a PROBLEM with it too?"
"YEAH, THE MAKARA GIRL. SHULA HAS NO RESPECT FOR THE QUADRANTS, IT SEEMS. I'VE BEEN WONDERING FOR A WHILE NOW HOW TO TACKLE THIS."
Susanna sniffled and thought for a moment, "Have you given her the same TALK you gave to me?"
"SAME SPIEL FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU LITTLE FUCKERS. KNOW WHAT SHE DID?"
"What..?"
"SAID SHE'D CONSIDER IT, CAME BACK TO ME LATER TO SAY IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD SYSTEM BUT SHE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SHE COULD FIT INTO IT. SMART KID, MADE COMPARISONS TO TAVROS. DID YOU KNOW TAVROS IS PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF HATRED?"
"Pfft haha. What a WIMP!" She chuckled aloud.
"THAT'S WHAT WE ALL USED TO SAY. THEN HE GORED A XENOPHOBE WITH HIS HORNS. SON OF A BITCH STILL LIMPS."
"Holy SHIT what." She seemed surprised, "Tavros did THAT?!"
"THAT TOO IS WHAT WE ALL SAID. BUT ANYWAY! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS PROBLEMS WITH SHULA'S LOVE LIFE, BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO MAKE A SHITSTORM OVER IT."
"Alright...sorry."
Karkat leaned in closer and actually dropped the volume. "I'm her dad, girl. I'm supposed to worry for my children. I worry for both of you. But unless Shula tries to get in your fucking pants, you don't need to complain about it... in fact, it might be wise to dial back the vitriol a notch. You might give people the wrong fucking idea."
"You think my BITCHY behaviors might be misunderstood as BLACK flirting?"
Karkat leaned back. "IT MIGHT WELL BE, YEAH. I MEAN, I KNOW BETTER, AND I KNOW YOU KNOW FUCKING BETTER, BUT THOSE ASSHATS MIGHT NOT! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD TO LEARN ABOUT FAMILY RELATIONS AFTER ALL!"
"I am sure you weren't..." Susanna flushed red and covered her face, squirming a bit. "Oh god what if Dylan or Shula think I am flirting black with them?!"
"THEY'VE BEEN TAUGHT THE BASICS AS EARLY AS YOU'VE BEEN, SWEETHEART. THEY FUCKING KNOW YOU'RE NOT."
"Oh thank GOG!" She sighed in relief, but that did make her think about her quadrants.
"I MEAN THAT'S KINDA OBVIOUS ISN'T IT?" Karkat continued unaware. "YOU'D THINK I HAD RAISED YOU TWO WELL ENOUGH..."
"You RAISED me perfectly dad. I am the BEST child possible." She hugged Karkat tightly. "I love you and MOM a lot!"
Just then, something heavy broke down upstairs. Susanna jumped with a fright.
-- gaiaPhoenix [GP] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
GP: umm dad
CG: WHAT IS IT?
GP: my b3d brok3 down
GP: but its coo1
GP: just hav3 to r3mov3 t3h wood bits
GP: t3h mattr3ss is fin3
GP: just t311in cos of t3h nois3
GP: hows sis
CG: SOBBING LIKE A GOD DAMN BLUBBERING PANSY.
GP: ...
GP: aight
CG: AIGHT?
CG: YOUR SISTER IS CRYING HER FUCKING EYES OUT AND ALL YOU SAY IS 'AIGHT'?
GP: i just dont know what 31s3 to say dad
CG: ARE YOU SURPRISED OR SOMETHING?
GP: not at your vo1um3 >;)
-- gaiaPhoenix [GP] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
----
The next night, Dylan and Shula were practicing their strife and grief respectively in the parking lot when Susanna just had to walk by. She glanced at the two of them, before looking away and walking faster.
"What's her problem? Never seen a guy defend against a cue stick before?"
"You wanna go ask her, cooldouche?"
"Do you?"
"I'll admit, it does seem interesting to see her just abscond without a single insult... but let's not be hasty."
Dylan promptly got struck with the cue stick and stumbled into the corner of the lot.
About ten minutes later, the two found their target sitting on the bench next to the tree in the park.
"Yo, Sue!" the former pool ball opened. "Heard you were crying last night?"
Susanna ignored them and flipped him off, "Go away fuckass."
"...okay it's cool, hon. She insulted me, everything's fine. You can come out of the tree now."
Dylan paused to reconsider and mumbled to himself. "Even though she keeps using mom's pet name for mister V..."
Shula did an acrobatic pirouette out of the tree and landed behind the bench. "Yeah, over nine thousand insults and she uses that one the most. Almost makes you think there's a hidden meaning or something", she rattled with no hidden meaning whatsoever.
Susanna keps looking down, ignoring Shula and her impressive entrance.
"I think something's seriously bothering her, Dylldough, and I dare doubt it's our being here right now."
"D'ya think?"
Susanna shook her head. Shula took a seat next to her and Dylan leaned against the tree like some kind of cool person in training. Susanna proceeded to flip them off again, she tried to keep ignoring them. Those were two things that were supposed to be soundly mutually exclusive, but she tried to do both anyway.
"What'd daddy tell you, Sue? Must've been pretty heavy stuff to make you act this way."
"Go away....both of you." Her voice cracked mid-sentence.
"So heavy, it makes Marty McFly drop his goddamn pepsi", Dylan confirmed.
"Leave me alone. For gogs sake just fuck off."
"I'm sorry Suze, but I can't do that", Shula denied.
"Me neither. You're our little sister and we're worried about you."
"Don't worry about!" She shouted and glared angerly at the two of them, "I don't fucking CARE if you are worried! Just go make out or SOME SHIT."
The two meddlers looked at eachother for a moment and nodded, a hint of urgency in their eyes. Still, before Shula turned to leave, she gave her troubled half-sister a well meant, quick hug. Susanna hugged back tightly, she didn't want to let go. It was slightly confusing to the taller girl -- did her little sister want her to stay or go? Dylan stopped in his tracks when he noticed his girlfriend wasn't following.
"What the...?"
"Its not FAIR, you know..." Susanna mumbled.
"What isn't, Suze?" Shula softly asked in reply.
"You ignoring the quadrants like a gog DAMN idiot....and me not having a one filled thats what."
"Aww, Suuuze, I just don't feel like I could hate someone like that, y'know? Besides, I draw the line at four relationships just as well, and who knows how many will stay blank?"
Dylan considered if he should speak up, and chose to do so anyway. "I don't know too much about the quadrants, but maybe not being a bitch--" and then he had to dodge a cue stick thrown at his face like a spear.
"Stupid fuckasses...both of you...don't think I am weak or ANYTHING, okay?" She sobbed softly, "I just don't like being most of what I am and just..just..." She pushed Shula back, "FUCK OFF!" she turned and ran off.
"Noone's saying you're weak, hon", Shula hollered after her sister.
"Wouldn't let anyone say that about my little sis", Dylan said to noone in particular. Shula just nodded.
"Still a little bitch though."
"Yup."
"Y'think we'll ever find out what crawled up her poop chute?"